Oh My God! Who Knew That You Could Get Grey Hair Down There?!

 I am slowly losing the will to live.

I think it's probably symptomatic of the fact that I'm getting older. It would appear that the closer I get to the grave, the more  eager I am to want to dive straight into it whilst executing a series of back flips, a few somersaults and a couple of hand springs.

I guess lack of sleep and constant 24 hours of watching porn fatigue could be the reason why the local cemetery is beginning to look like a holiday resort, because right now I seem to be perpetually tip toeing on the very edge of hysteria.

Take this morning for example, having not slept for the best part of 2 days, I decided to wake the little man with a soothing nursery rhyme.

 I chose 'Head Shoulders Knees and Toes' as a gentle exercise to get him moving on such a brisk and chilly Monday morning...except that sleep deprivation had, not so much as 'kicked in' but rather decided to headbutt me square on in the face. So instead of  him waking up to the dulcet tones of this:

The Lil man awoke to find a crazy arsed woman doing this...

  

*Videos courtesy of you tube

...after which I had to promptly go and lie down, such is the advancement of old age advancing, as it advances...you know I've really got to stop with the analogies.

And that's another thing that reminds me that I'm ever nearer to a coffin being my next form of abode, the tell-tale signs of aging. It's not that I mind getting older per se, (you lie like a rug!!) it's just the other stuff that comes with it. I remember the days when my waist was trim and my boobs were firm, pointing heavenwards as if to defy the power of gravity. Now I have to be careful about getting out of bed in the morning less I trip over my drooping mammary glands and when running for the bus, I have to fling one over each shoulder to avoid being concussed and having to deal with two black eyes. The Lil man is as always, gracious in his compliments as he watches me getting dressed.


Lil man: I can see your manatees.

Me: I think that you mean mammary Lil man, not manatee.

Lil man: No, I know exactly what I mean.

He's comparing THIS to my boobs? OH THE INHUMANATEE!

But I think that one of the worse things about getting older, is  not only the loss of memory but that fact that I keep repeating myself because of it...but I think the worse thing about getting older, is not only the loss of memory but the fact that I keep repeating myself because of it... and grey hairs.

Now I have to admit that I find grey hair rather attractive and quite distinctive, especially on grey haired people with er...grey hair. However I do not find them quite so attractive when they begin to appear on my 'Lady Garden'. (sounds of the 'would you like to unfollow this blog' button being clicked, whilst computers everywhere are slammed shut in disgust) I mean right now there is only the one. Wiry and rigid, it stands out from the rest as if to proclaim it's uniqueness whilst all the while, mocking me with it's dull muted tone. I can quite clearly hear it screaming out to me about it's plans to conquer my lower region, like Sir William Wallace fighting the wars of Scottish Independence.

Pubic The Grey:  Aye tis true that I am alone. But soon I will be joined by more. Together we will gather as one, blunting the razor blade on your 'Veet Touchably Smooth All Over Body Lady-Shaver'. We will fight for the right to stick out through the legs of your undies, for what will we do without freedom? Finally we will make our way up to your navel, eventually curling our way up through the undergrowth, for you may shave us BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!

QUICK, SOMEBODY PASS ME THE HEDGE TRIMMER?

This of course is never going to happen. There will be no war of Independence going on in my underwear...unless the wager of that war takes me out and buys me dinner first.  However, I am thinking about getting a Brazilian. Not the extremely painful hair removal technique, whereby all the hair is shaved just leaving a little landing strip, I'm talking about a little Brazilian guy named Edvaldo.

Now whenever I strip, I'll just place Edvaldo in front of my 'Lady Garden' and voila! No more unsightly greys...apart from the ones on Edvaldo that is.

Too much?? You could be right but all work and no sleep makes Lily a slightly erratic and  a very unhinged girl indeed.
But if  by chance I have offended anyone with this post, for I have already lost one follower and just as any sense of decency has flown out the window, I expect others to follow also, please kindly send your complaints to :

www.icouldn'tgiveamonkeysarse@sosueme.co.uk

Lily

*Videos may work on some browsers and not others. Or they may not even work at all, in which case, sod it! I'm not re-writing this bloody post, I'm too sodding tired.