*This post may contain words which may offend. If you are of a nervous disposition... then go and see a doctor and get some Beta Blockers or Valium or something...jeez!
The boiler has gone.
It hadn't been feeling it's usual self for quite sometime. I cannot help but blame myself. At the first hint that something was wrong, I should have gone to get some help, should have noticed that it was no longer working to it's full potential. But to my eternal shame, I didn't. Feeling neglected at possibly not being cleaned regularly and only being serviced once a year, (Now it knows how I feel!) it has fled. I think it might have been feeling depressed. Alas, along with it's absence, we have been left with an almighty dilemma, no hot running water.
Of course no hot water means no hot showers, a fact that pisses me off no end seeing as I'm a woman who likes to shower at least twice a day, sometimes three.
I mean how on earth is a girl suppose to wash her Vajayjay in icy cold water? It's unsanitary...though it's even more unsanitary to not wash it at all.
The thought of having to squat over a basin of hot water boiled from the kettle, is not a thought I relish and puts me in mind of the good old days and when I say good old days, I mean the 1800s not the 1980s.
Lil man: I've just seen a cat being flossed.
Me: Mmmm, that's nice dear.
Lil man: A. cat. being. flossed. On telly!
Me: Mmmm?What?Oh sorry Lil man, I didn't mean to ignore you. It's just that I've got a few things on my mind right now.
Lil man: Like what?
Me: Like the fact that I need a shower and there's no hot water.
Lil man: Well just use the cold water then.
Me: WHAT?! OH MY GOD! ARE YOU ON CRACK?? HOW ON EARTH I'M I SUPPOSE TO WASH MY VAJAYJAY IN ICE COLD WATER??
Lil man reeling from the 'V' word as though I'd just slapped him round the face with said flossed cat. Quickly recovering, I was then met with a look that denoted,slight nausea, disgust and outright repulsion: Oh...oh...why?! Why would you say that?! Out loud! In words that I can fully hear and understand!! WHY?!
Me: Sorry, do you want me to use the correct terminology for my lady garden then?
Lil man looking as though he might be about to bolt out of the living room at any second: DON'T YOU DARE!
Me: Look, there's nothing wrong with discussing the proper names for body parts, I mean all women have a va...
Lil man: Don't you dare use that word in this house! Oh, the trauma!! At this rate I'm going to have to leave school to get a job so that I can pay for therapy!!! Oh, the inhumanity!!!! It's just not right!!!!!!!!
Me: Slightly over dramatic don't you think?
Lil man: I am at a young and very impressionable age you know and I'm far too young to be tainted by your corruption. (Spat out with venom)
ME: Tainted by my corruption? What the hell do you watch when I'm out of the room?? Anyway, I really don't have time to discuss the appropriateness of what is...er appropriate in terms of which words to use, I'm off upstairs to do a poo. (No folks, I do not go upstairs solely to defecate in the bedrooms, the only toilet we have is upstairs)
Lil man now retching and dry heaving: why? (Retch) I mean what goes on in your head? (Dry heaves) Did I really need to know that piece of information? (Retches and dry heaves, then coughs from all the retching and dry heaving)
Me: No, I was merely speaking out loud, that's all.
Lil man: But was it ABSOLUTELY imperative that you tell me something that is soooo disgusting?
Me: WHAT??!! you always tell me beforehand when YOU'RE going to do a poo.
Lil man: Yes but I'm a CHILD!
Me: And I have the mental capability of a child, so nah! Wait...did I just insult my own intelligence? And where the hell did you get the word 'imperative' from?
Lil man: My Doctor Who book.
Me: Oh well done! And you used it in the right context too. You are ever so clever. (Beams proudly)
Lil man: Thank you, I try my best. It was in this chapter where the Doctor comes across some...STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!
Me: What subject?
Lil man: You using inappropriate words.
Me: Ooh inappropriate', also a very good word. Look, I'm not going to stand here discussing what terms are applicable or not, I really do need the toilet. It's a turtle head, I can ( sucks bum cheeks together, to avoid any unnecessary expulsions or emissions) feel it pushing it's way out...a bit like when the alien in...er 'Alien' the first movie, pushes it's way out of...
Lil man: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? STOP SHARING!!!!
Me: I only said...
Lil man: No wonder you can't get a boyfriend. Your date will come to pick you up and then you'd be all like, " wait a minute, I have to go and wash my vajayjay first." And then he'd go, "Ooh, too much information." And then you'd be like all, "Oh, I just farted and it smells like egg." And then he'll say, "oh my god! So much methane! The animals and plants are dying." And then you would be all, "But it's only air!" And then he'll say, "Yeah but THAT air is riiiipe! You're dumped!!"
Me: *Stare*.
Lil man: *Stare*.
Me: Have you quite finished?
Lil man: No, and then you'll get another boyfriend and you'll be like, "Excuse me, my lady garden needs watering," instead of just saying that you need to go to the loo. And then he'll find out that you are a liar because when you say, "I'll only be a minute", what you really mean is, " I'll only be 5 hours." And then he'll have to have a bucket so he can throw up in for whenever he watches you nude dancing, which is to be honest, quite disgusting and something that no child should ever see, even a blind one. Then he will agree that it's not a sight that any grown man should see either and after carving out his eyeballs with a wooden spoon, he will dump you.
Me: I see. Anything else?
Lil man: No, I'm done! Oh wait!! Then there's the fact that you love chocolate more than you love your OWN son and your next boyfriend will be like, " Oh baby I love you" and you'll be like, "Oh baby, I'd love a bag of M&Ms." Then he'll like be having this big massive conversation with you about all the starving children in the world and how horrible the world is and you'd be like, "Banana", because you never take anything seriously. And then when he sees how hairy you are, because sometimes you can't be bothered to shave, he'll dump you...for a man!
Me: Bit harsh...well thank you for that running commentary on why I'll always remain single. (Looks upset) I'm going to leave the room now.
Lil man looking slightly concerned: Sorry, did I hurt your feelings? I...I didn't mean to.
Me: (Sniff) It's not that...(sniff sniff, holds back tears) it's just that...it's just that...that...not only is the turtle head pushing it's way forth but now I also need to go water my lady garden.
Lil man: OH FOR PETE'S SAKE!
Me on leaving the room: Oh and you may also want to cover up your nasal passages, I've just farted and it smells like egg.
Lil man: METHANE!!!! OH MY GOD!! ALL THE ANIMALS AND PLANTS ARE DYING!!!!
Lily
* Disclaimer: Despite my overuse of the word 'Crack' in my posts, I do not take or in any way condone the use of this illicit drug. Admittedly, the line, 'are you on crack?' is often meted out to the Lil man on an almost daily basis but today, henceforth, this shall now cease...especially after I asked him that particular question while he was standing in the line...at school...in front of his classmates...and his teacher...who happens to be the Deputy Head of the school.
After Social Services were through with their investigations and my family and friends stopped staging hourly interventions, I have decided not to use that phrase anymore...it's a good thing that they don't know about my heroine habit...
The boiler has gone.
It hadn't been feeling it's usual self for quite sometime. I cannot help but blame myself. At the first hint that something was wrong, I should have gone to get some help, should have noticed that it was no longer working to it's full potential. But to my eternal shame, I didn't. Feeling neglected at possibly not being cleaned regularly and only being serviced once a year, (Now it knows how I feel!) it has fled. I think it might have been feeling depressed. Alas, along with it's absence, we have been left with an almighty dilemma, no hot running water.
 | |||||||||
| Running water...see what I did there? |
Of course no hot water means no hot showers, a fact that pisses me off no end seeing as I'm a woman who likes to shower at least twice a day, sometimes three.
I mean how on earth is a girl suppose to wash her Vajayjay in icy cold water? It's unsanitary...though it's even more unsanitary to not wash it at all.
The thought of having to squat over a basin of hot water boiled from the kettle, is not a thought I relish and puts me in mind of the good old days and when I say good old days, I mean the 1800s not the 1980s.
Lil man: I've just seen a cat being flossed.
Me: Mmmm, that's nice dear.
Lil man: A. cat. being. flossed. On telly!
 |
| Oh, it's teeth! When he said 'cat being flossed', I just naturally thought... |
Me: Mmmm?What?Oh sorry Lil man, I didn't mean to ignore you. It's just that I've got a few things on my mind right now.
Lil man: Like what?
Me: Like the fact that I need a shower and there's no hot water.
Lil man: Well just use the cold water then.
Me: WHAT?! OH MY GOD! ARE YOU ON CRACK?? HOW ON EARTH I'M I SUPPOSE TO WASH MY VAJAYJAY IN ICE COLD WATER??
Lil man reeling from the 'V' word as though I'd just slapped him round the face with said flossed cat. Quickly recovering, I was then met with a look that denoted,slight nausea, disgust and outright repulsion: Oh...oh...why?! Why would you say that?! Out loud! In words that I can fully hear and understand!! WHY?!
Me: Sorry, do you want me to use the correct terminology for my lady garden then?
 |
| My vajayjay after a hot shower...hold on it's green...shit, better go and see a doctor! |
Lil man looking as though he might be about to bolt out of the living room at any second: DON'T YOU DARE!
Me: Look, there's nothing wrong with discussing the proper names for body parts, I mean all women have a va...
Lil man: Don't you dare use that word in this house! Oh, the trauma!! At this rate I'm going to have to leave school to get a job so that I can pay for therapy!!! Oh, the inhumanity!!!! It's just not right!!!!!!!!
Me: Slightly over dramatic don't you think?
Lil man: I am at a young and very impressionable age you know and I'm far too young to be tainted by your corruption. (Spat out with venom)
ME: Tainted by my corruption? What the hell do you watch when I'm out of the room?? Anyway, I really don't have time to discuss the appropriateness of what is...er appropriate in terms of which words to use, I'm off upstairs to do a poo. (No folks, I do not go upstairs solely to defecate in the bedrooms, the only toilet we have is upstairs)
Lil man now retching and dry heaving: why? (Retch) I mean what goes on in your head? (Dry heaves) Did I really need to know that piece of information? (Retches and dry heaves, then coughs from all the retching and dry heaving)
 |
| Nuff said... |
Me: No, I was merely speaking out loud, that's all.
Lil man: But was it ABSOLUTELY imperative that you tell me something that is soooo disgusting?
Me: WHAT??!! you always tell me beforehand when YOU'RE going to do a poo.
Lil man: Yes but I'm a CHILD!
Me: And I have the mental capability of a child, so nah! Wait...did I just insult my own intelligence? And where the hell did you get the word 'imperative' from?
Lil man: My Doctor Who book.
Me: Oh well done! And you used it in the right context too. You are ever so clever. (Beams proudly)
Lil man: Thank you, I try my best. It was in this chapter where the Doctor comes across some...STOP CHANGING THE SUBJECT!
Me: What subject?
Lil man: You using inappropriate words.
Me: Ooh inappropriate', also a very good word. Look, I'm not going to stand here discussing what terms are applicable or not, I really do need the toilet. It's a turtle head, I can ( sucks bum cheeks together, to avoid any unnecessary expulsions or emissions) feel it pushing it's way out...a bit like when the alien in...er 'Alien' the first movie, pushes it's way out of...
Lil man: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? STOP SHARING!!!!
Me: I only said...
Lil man: No wonder you can't get a boyfriend. Your date will come to pick you up and then you'd be all like, " wait a minute, I have to go and wash my vajayjay first." And then he'd go, "Ooh, too much information." And then you'd be like all, "Oh, I just farted and it smells like egg." And then he'll say, "oh my god! So much methane! The animals and plants are dying." And then you would be all, "But it's only air!" And then he'll say, "Yeah but THAT air is riiiipe! You're dumped!!"
 |
| Whatever! |
Me: *Stare*.
Lil man: *Stare*.
Me: Have you quite finished?
Lil man: No, and then you'll get another boyfriend and you'll be like, "Excuse me, my lady garden needs watering," instead of just saying that you need to go to the loo. And then he'll find out that you are a liar because when you say, "I'll only be a minute", what you really mean is, " I'll only be 5 hours." And then he'll have to have a bucket so he can throw up in for whenever he watches you nude dancing, which is to be honest, quite disgusting and something that no child should ever see, even a blind one. Then he will agree that it's not a sight that any grown man should see either and after carving out his eyeballs with a wooden spoon, he will dump you.
 | ||
| 'I don't think you're ready for this jelly, cos my body's too bootylicious for you babe'. |
Me: I see. Anything else?
Lil man: No, I'm done! Oh wait!! Then there's the fact that you love chocolate more than you love your OWN son and your next boyfriend will be like, " Oh baby I love you" and you'll be like, "Oh baby, I'd love a bag of M&Ms." Then he'll like be having this big massive conversation with you about all the starving children in the world and how horrible the world is and you'd be like, "Banana", because you never take anything seriously. And then when he sees how hairy you are, because sometimes you can't be bothered to shave, he'll dump you...for a man!
Me: Bit harsh...well thank you for that running commentary on why I'll always remain single. (Looks upset) I'm going to leave the room now.
Lil man looking slightly concerned: Sorry, did I hurt your feelings? I...I didn't mean to.
Me: (Sniff) It's not that...(sniff sniff, holds back tears) it's just that...it's just that...that...not only is the turtle head pushing it's way forth but now I also need to go water my lady garden.
Lil man: OH FOR PETE'S SAKE!
Me on leaving the room: Oh and you may also want to cover up your nasal passages, I've just farted and it smells like egg.
Lil man: METHANE!!!! OH MY GOD!! ALL THE ANIMALS AND PLANTS ARE DYING!!!!
 |
| METHAAAANE!! |
Lily
* Disclaimer: Despite my overuse of the word 'Crack' in my posts, I do not take or in any way condone the use of this illicit drug. Admittedly, the line, 'are you on crack?' is often meted out to the Lil man on an almost daily basis but today, henceforth, this shall now cease...especially after I asked him that particular question while he was standing in the line...at school...in front of his classmates...and his teacher...who happens to be the Deputy Head of the school.
After Social Services were through with their investigations and my family and friends stopped staging hourly interventions, I have decided not to use that phrase anymore...it's a good thing that they don't know about my heroine habit...
12 comments:
Very funny-except that picture of the lady in the swim suit-I have a student who looks almost exactly like that, except african-american.
I had to help her into her clothes one time and I thought that if she fell on me, at that moment when I was guiding one mighty calf into sweatpants, no one would ever find my body.
But anyways, I hope you get your hot water back and I hope you freed that turtle from your bottom. Looking forward to reading more from you!
www.gweenbrick.com
You never cease to make me laugh. I used to call Sammi my little 'crack baby' but had to stop when she used the term in front of her very religious Grandmother. :)
Bwahahahahaha! See what you just made me do? I splattered cookie crumbs all over my keyboard. Now I have to vacuum off all the little pieces so the letters f, c, and k will not get stuck!
You should be proud of the Li'l Man, his vocabulary has become quite extensive!
Btw, on methane gases, take extra caution this will not be subject to any investigations about WMD (weapons of mass destruction).
LMAO!! You guys are way too funny!
@ Gweenbrick, Thank-you. Along with Jeffery, that particular woman you describe is one of my fav characters.And yes, the turtle head has been freed, via the toilet and released back into the wild...ie, the sewers.
@Krouth: 'My little crack baby', hilarious! I'd love to know under what circumstances Sammi said that phrase. If she was my daughter, I'd be nothing but proud...is that wrong?
@PB: lol, funny you should say that, a few years ago some bloke called Saddam something or other, didn't quite get his last name, came round and asked me if I would like to take part in an experiment using my natural gases. When he mentioned WMD, I though he meant the stuff you use for cars and not having a vehicle I declined his offer...that and he had a dodgy moustache.
LMAO! I sometimes wonder why I am single too. I think it's that I tend to say whatever happens to be on my mind at the moment. And I am blunt.
BTW, I am often heard asking my kids "What are you on? And why aren't you sharing?" Guess I should stop saying that. Some people are just too proper!
@ Dotchi: LOL, Yea, mine used to be "what are you on and can I have some?" Till my mum put a stop to that. She said it was innapropriate...whatever!
I do wish that I'd thought of calling him "My little crack baby" like Krouth, can you image the looks at 'mummy day care?'
I think you're right about speaking one's thoughts=being single. I've met guys whose looks of lust, soon turn to fear (and sometimes a little disgust) the moment I open my mouth...oh well, looks like I'll remain single for quite a while...
I am male, I live in the USA and have no children. I have absolutely nothing in common with you...but I am single and I do have a sense of humor. I thoroughly enjoyed this bit of clever banter. I may read more. Thank you. (That was me being polite...thank God that's over with; now I will just be myself)
~ James Paul
Hi James Paul, thanks for the compliment...I think...you did just compliment me right...
Anyway, though I'm female (though most would use that term loosely when describing me) and a mum, this is in no way a 'mom' blog, or a blog written just for woman and I'm pretty sure that most people following, don't have anything in common with me either except as you say, a sense of humour.
This is a blog of love and acceptance, so join us...okay, it isn't. It's a blog of anger, rage and self-hate but join us anyway.
And what do you bloody mean that you MAY read more?? Defiant? I like that!!
Damn I need to get some kids..
Dan: No don't do it!! Are you crazy man?!
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T DO IT!!
" Oh baby I love you" and you'll be like, "Oh baby, I'd love a bag of M&Ms."
I love this. I can hear him saying it in some snarky voice. LOL.
Ha! The way he talks when he rambles like that, is almost one long sentence run without any breath taken in-between.
He makes me want to laugh out loud when he begins he's tirades but I try not to show how much he amuses me.
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